The Archies
by GoodyAce
Summary: Elaine dates a man named Archie Andrews, and the whole Seinfeld crew gets dragged into Riverdale (Not literally). Kramer and Newman build a miniature New York City in Jerry's apt. George finds a long-lost, stolen car. Jerry is caught between two women


SEINFELD EPISODE 182  
  
The Archies  
  
Written By: David Adler  
  
GEORGE  
  
I saw a homeless guy yesterday.  
  
JERRY  
  
Congratulations.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Will you let me finish?  
  
JERRY  
  
You mean there's more.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Yes.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well by all means, go ahead.  
  
GEORGE  
  
You know how they're always giving them those really ugly sports-jackets?   
  
JERRY  
  
Like with the checkers and the polka-dots?   
  
GEORGE  
  
Why can't they wear normal clothes? Why do they have to dress them up like used-car salesman? It's like they're advertising for a homeless circus or something.  
  
JERRY  
  
That's the best you could come up with?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well I don't see you contributing anything.  
  
JERRY  
  
I feel like I'm in a fog.  
  
GEORGE  
  
I always feel like I'm in a fog.  
  
JERRY  
  
I'm not sharp. I tried writing some new material yesterday. I couldn't get anything done.  
  
GEORGE  
  
You wrote some new material? Lets hear it.  
  
JERRY  
  
Alright. But I'm telling you it's not very good.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Better than the Heil 5?  
  
JERRY  
  
Maybe. Listen. "What's the deal with doors? Why can't they just settle on push or pull? Sometimes you push, sometimes you pull. (Repeating slowly and languorously) What's the deal with doors?"  
  
GEORGE  
  
Hmm.  
  
JERRY  
  
Not good, huh.  
  
GEORGE  
  
No.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well it's the best I could come up with. I'm telling you, something's wrong.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Have you been eating any dairy?  
  
JERRY  
  
Not more than usual. Why?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Sometimes when I have dairy, I go a little crazy.  
  
JERRY  
  
What, like iced-cream?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Iced cream isn't dairy.  
  
JERRY  
  
If it comes from a cow, it's dairy.  
  
GEORGE  
  
(Shakes his head) What about a steak? That comes from a cow. Is a steak dairy?  
  
JERRY  
  
(Extremely frustrated, almost yelling) Yeah, a steak is dairy.   
  
GEORGE  
  
Well it comes from a cow!  
  
JERRY  
  
(About to blow his top, but calms down) Whoa. You know what, forget it. I don't think I want to have this conversation.  
  
GEORGE  
  
You're right. It's stupid. Just forget it.  
  
(Flags waitress)  
  
GEORGE  
  
Excuse me darling. I'll have some iced-cream. Chocolate.  
  
JERRY  
  
Oh, I remembered what I was going to tell you.  
  
GEORGE  
  
See, this is good. This is what I like. Now I feel like I've done something.  
  
JERRY  
  
I broke up with Dahlia.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Dahlia? Who's that.   
  
JERRY  
  
(Thinking)  
  
GEORGE  
  
What are you doing?  
  
JERRY  
  
I'm trying to think of the right word to describe her. Not girlfriend.  
  
GEORGE  
  
What, just "friend?"  
  
JERRY  
  
No. I didn't really like her.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well, did you..  
  
JERRY  
  
No. We never got around to that.  
  
GEORGE  
  
So what was this relationship?  
  
JERRY  
  
I'm not sure. Convenient.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well what was wrong with her? Big ears?  
  
JERRY  
  
No. She was too nice. Too happy. She was always smiling. It was really annoying.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Oh, so she was "Go-lucky."  
  
JERRY  
  
That's the problem. She wanted to be everybody's friend. It was awful going out with her. Like last week we went out for dinner and she asked the waiter to come eat with us. I was afraid to tell her it was over.   
  
GEORGE  
  
So how did she take it?  
  
JERRY  
  
Pretty hard.  
  
GEORGE  
  
No smiles?  
  
JERRY  
  
Not even a smirk.  
  
Enter Elaine  
  
JERRY  
  
Hey.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Hi.  
  
JERRY  
  
What's wrong?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Nothing.  
  
JERRY  
  
Good! So I was eating a banana this morning and I…  
  
ELAINE  
  
Why is life so unfair?  
  
JERRY  
  
(Points to George) You want to field that one.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Just when you think everything's going right, things couldn't be more perfect, bam!   
  
GEORGE  
  
I find it's more of a screeching sound.  
  
ELAINE  
  
You know that I'm seeing someone else now.  
  
JERRY  
  
Really? Who?  
  
ELAINE  
  
I don't know. Some guy, it's not important.  
  
JERRY  
  
What's his name?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Ar...(coughs)...hmnld (Muffled)  
  
GEORGE  
  
Arvan?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Archie.  
  
JERRY  
  
Archie?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Yeah, Archie. (Looks expectantly at Jerry for some wisecrack)  
  
JERRY  
  
(Raises arms) I've got nothing!  
  
ELAINE  
  
He's soooo perfect.  
  
JERRY  
  
Except for…  
  
ELAINE  
  
Archie.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well, a name's not that important.  
  
ELAINE  
  
I know. I know. I mean, how often do you ever have to tell anyone your name?  
  
GEORGE  
  
If I didn't have a bank account, I don't think I'd even need a name.  
  
(Kramer is sitting in the booth behind Jerry, with his back to George)  
  
KRAMER  
  
You know you can't run from your name Jerry.  
  
JERRY  
  
What! What are you doing back there?  
  
KRAMER  
  
I'm working on this puzzle. The Brooklyn Bridge. Yeah, I'll be with you shortly.  
  
ELAINE  
  
You'll never believe what his last name is?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Stanton?  
  
JERRY  
  
Like from The Good the Bad, And The Ugly?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Andrews. It's Andrews, Jerry. He's named after the comic book.  
  
JERRY  
  
What is it with parents and names? Your kid's not a truck-stop bathroom stall.  
  
ELAINE  
  
So how are things with you and Dahlia?  
  
JERRY  
  
We broke up.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Too nice, huh?  
  
JERRY  
  
Well...  
  
ELAINE  
  
That's what I thought.   
  
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT  
  
Checks Messages  
  
JERRY  
  
Oh, someone cares!  
  
MACHINE  
  
Jerry, it's Dahlia. Please call me back, I know we can work this out. We just need to talk.  
  
GEORGE  
  
What are you gonna do?  
  
JERRY  
  
I don't know.   
  
GEORGE  
  
Did you find her physically attractive?  
  
JERRY  
  
Yeah! I mean, she had a great body. Great blond hair. Long, luxurious. Like in those shampoo commercials.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Then call her back.  
  
JERRY  
  
But I just broke up with her two days ago.   
  
GEORGE  
  
So what, you're not making the first post-breakup contact. It's her. You're not the pathetic one, she is.  
  
JERRY  
  
I know. But now I've got Vivian and the whole thing...  
  
GEORGE  
  
Who's Vivian?  
  
JERRY  
  
Oh, I met her at the DMV. You know how you've got to stand in that line for like, forever. Well, we started to talk and, you know.  
  
GEORGE  
  
She didn't butt in, did she?  
  
JERRY  
  
Well...  
  
GEORGE  
  
Oh, you didn't. After everything that we've been fighting for as men for all these years. Sexual equality. I guess that doesn't mean anything to you.   
  
JERRY  
  
Well I'm going out with her tonight.  
  
GEORGE  
  
So. Do you think I can have Dahlia's number?  
  
JERRY  
  
(Thinks for a second. Obviously doesn't want to give George the number) Maybe I'll call her.   
  
(Kramer Enters With The Puzzle)  
  
KRAMER  
  
Finished, Jerry. Isn't it beautiful?   
  
JERRY  
  
Wow, the Brooklyn Bridge. Well I've never seen that before.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Let me see that.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Jerry...  
  
GEORGE  
  
Wait a minute! Hey, that's my car!   
  
KRAMER  
  
What are you talking about?  
  
GEORGE  
  
That's my car!   
  
KRAMER  
  
Where?  
  
GEORGE  
  
There. The one with the streak on the side. 1981 Buick Skylark. I stopped to get an apple pie and someone stole it. The police never found it.   
  
KRAMER  
  
Well what about the pie?  
  
JERRY  
  
He ate it.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Kramer, do you still have the box?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Yeah, it's in my apartment.  
  
GEORGE  
  
That's my car!   
  
(Storms out and into Kramer's apartment)  
  
(Jerry is on the phone, but Kramer is following him around the apartment with the puzzle. It is clear that Jerry is ignoring him, and does not want to be distracted)  
  
KRAMER  
  
Look. Jerry.  
  
JERRY  
  
(Waves him away) Hi, Dahlia, it's Jerry.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Come on Jerry, just take a look.  
  
JERRY  
  
Kramer, I'm on the phone.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Jerry, come on...  
  
JERRY  
  
(Shaking his head) Yeah, I got the message. I don't know.  
  
KRAMER  
  
(Put the puzzle right under Jerry's nose.)  
  
JERRY  
  
Kramer, No! Sorry Dahlia. No, I wasn't talking to you.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Jerry, one look.  
  
JERRY  
  
ALRIGHT. (Throws out his arm in frustration, knocking the puzzle to the floor. Pieces go flying everywhere.)  
  
KRAMER  
  
(Drops to his knees)  
  
JERRY  
  
Kramer, I'm sorry.  
  
KRAMER  
  
No.  
  
JERRY  
  
Kramer, come on, I didn't mean to...  
  
KRAMER  
  
No. No. No.   
  
(Kramer storms out, slamming the door)  
  
JERRY  
  
Sorry about that. So do you want to come over and we can talk? Alright. So tonight. Bye.  
  
(George has just returned with the puzzle box)  
  
JERRY  
  
Where were you?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Kramer's. He didn't get a dog, did he?  
  
JERRY  
  
No, why?  
  
GEORGE  
  
No reason.  
  
So she's coming over?  
  
JERRY  
  
What did I just do?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Hey, take a look at this.   
  
JERRY  
  
What, the puzzle?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Notice anything?  
  
JERRY  
  
No, not really...wait a second. Is that your car?  
  
GEORGE  
  
I think so. And I think I can kind of make out the guy driving it. He's bald.  
  
JERRY  
  
How can you tell?  
  
GEORGE  
  
You see the sun, shining off his head?  
  
JERRY  
  
Oh yeah. So this is the Buick? From, like, 20 years ago?  
  
GEORGE  
  
The Shaggin' Wagon.   
  
JERRY  
  
Well how do you know that's just not an old picture. That could be you driving it.  
  
GEORGE  
  
(Points to the box) 1991, Jerry. This thing was taken ten years after it was stolen. No, this is my car.   
  
JERRY  
  
Well, there's nothing you can really do about it now.  
  
GEORGE  
  
(Thinking) Alright. I've got to get going.   
  
JERRY  
  
Where are you going?  
  
GEORGE  
  
(No reply)  
  
JERRY  
  
Not the puzzle!  
  
GEORGE  
  
It's my car! The Shaggin' Wagon rides again.  
  
(Jerry walks over to Kramer's apartment and knocks on the door. There is a "please do not disturb" sign on the handle)  
  
KRAMER  
  
Who is it? (Opens door just a little bit)  
  
JERRY  
  
It's me, will you open up?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Jerry, I think I need some alone time.  
  
JERRY  
  
(Sniffing) Is that hickory?  
  
Kramer, I'm sorry for knocking over the puzzle. I didn't mean to do it. You know, I was on the phone and it was an important conversation...I'm sorry.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Really?  
  
JERRY  
  
Yes. And I'll tell you what, if you want, you can come over and we can put it back together.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Together buddy? Me and you? Like old times?  
  
JERRY  
  
Yeah. Yeah. Just like old times.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Can Newman come?  
  
JERRY  
  
Hey, I didn't  
  
(Kramer gets a really hang-dog look on his face)  
  
JERRY  
  
Alright!  
  
KRAMER  
  
(Instantly brightens up). Come on Newman, we're going to Jerry's.  
  
(Kramer opens the door a little more and we can see Newman standing behind him)  
  
NEWMAN  
  
Hello Jerry.  
  
JERRY  
  
Hello Newman!  
  
(Newman emerges carrying a huge puzzle box)  
  
JERRY  
  
What's this?  
  
KRAMER  
  
That's the Empire State Building. Yeah, it's a scale model. 15,000 pieces. Newman and I are gonna build New York. In miniature, Jerry. Miniature.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well how long is that going to take you?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Oh, it shouldn't be more than a few weeks.  
  
SCENE - ELAINE'S APARTMENT  
  
ELAINE  
  
So that really is quite a unique name you've got.  
  
ARCHIE  
  
Yeah.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Your parents must have really loved Archie comics.   
  
ARCHIE  
  
Actually, they got it from the door of a bathroom stall.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Really?  
  
ARCHIE  
  
Yeah.   
  
SCENE - PUZZLE OFFICE  
  
GEORGE  
  
Hi. I'm here about a puzzle.  
  
ELEANOR  
  
You missing a piece? Cause we don't handle that.   
  
GEORGE  
  
No, nothing like that. Actually, it's about what's in the puzzle. You see, I brought the box with me...  
  
ELEANOR  
  
You know what would happen if we had to replace every missing puzzle piece some kid like you brought in? We'd be looking through puzzles all day and all night. We'd never get to sleep. Puzzles all the time.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Please...(Holds out the box)  
  
ELEANOR  
  
Sir, I'm very busy. I don't have time to make puzzles with you.  
  
GEORGE  
  
No, I don't want to make the puzzle. You see, this car.  
  
ELEANOR  
  
The one with all that rust on the side?  
  
GEORGE  
  
That's a streak.  
  
ELEANOR  
  
That auto-mo-bile is all rusted up.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well this car was stolen right before this picture was taken. See, if you look really close, you can almost make out the guy driving. See the sunlight glancing off his head?  
  
ELEANOR  
  
Hah! He's bald, just like you.  
  
GEORGE  
  
(Slowly) Yeah. You see, I need the negative to blow up and get a picture of this guy. I think I might know who it is.  
  
ELEANOR  
  
So you want me to give you the negative?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Yes. I'll pay you for it. I've got three...four dollars.  
  
ELEANOR  
  
The man who took this picture isn't with us anymore. I can give you his address, but it won't do you no good.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Why not?  
  
ELEANOR  
  
Cause he's crazy. You work too long with puzzles, you start thinking like a puzzle, eating like a puzzle. A piece won't fit, you don't eat dinner. Let me ask you something: You ever seen anybody try to put a cantaloupe back together?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well, I'll take his number.  
  
SCENE - DINNER WITH VIVIAN  
  
VIVIAN  
  
Jerry, pass me the salt.  
  
JERRY  
  
You haven't even taken a bite yet. How do you know it needs salt? Take a bite first.  
  
VIVIAN  
  
Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't know you were the salt police. Are you going to arrest me officer?  
  
JERRY  
  
(Speechless)  
  
VIVIAN  
  
I said pass me the salt.   
  
(Jerry passes the salt quite violently)  
  
VIVIAN  
  
So I was on Fifth Avenue today. This homeless guy in a God-awful blazer comes up to me and asks if I have any change. You know what I did, I said, "here, I've got some change for you," and I poured my coffee on him.  
  
JERRY  
  
Don't you think that was a little excessive?   
  
VIVIAN  
  
Are you trying to start something?  
  
JERRY  
  
No, I'm just saying that's a little...  
  
VIVIAN  
  
So, I'm crazy.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well...  
  
(Vivian takes her wine glass and pours the contents on Jerry)   
  
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT  
  
GEORGE  
  
So she poured her drink on you, and you did nothing?  
  
JERRY  
  
I was like a deer caught in the headlights of some angry, angry woman. I was totally helpless.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Not one step backward, huh. You're letting this woman walk all over you. You know this is how it starts. What's next? Parties, shopping, engagements. The WORLD!   
  
You know, next thing she's gonna turn you against me. Pretty soon we'll only be seeing each other Sundays. Then every other week. Then one day it's "Jerry, you're not allowed to see George anymore." And you'll go up to your little room in your little corner of the house and play with your model trains.  
  
JERRY  
  
She really brings out the worst in me. You know that? We're always fighting. I can be fine the whole day, and when I'm near her it's triggers some biological defense mechanism. Fight or flight.  
  
GEORGE  
  
So you went with fight?  
  
JERRY  
  
I can't help it. She's like a Svengali or something.   
  
GEORGE  
  
I feel the same way around my parents. My mother asks me to pass her the salt, I want to jump out the window.  
  
JERRY  
  
But she is gorgeous.  
  
GEORGE  
  
I've seen her. She's quite striking.  
  
JERRY  
  
But the fighting.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well, maybe you'll get used to it.   
  
JERRY  
  
Like your parents did.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Yeah, they don't even notice it anymore. It's like yelling has become part of their daily routine. No whispering, no normal decibel levels. Just yelling. That's the only way they know to communicate.  
  
JERRY  
  
I don't know.   
  
GEORGE  
  
So what's going on with you and Dahlia?  
  
JERRY  
  
I'm having dinner with her tonight. We're double-dating with Elaine and Archie.  
  
(Phone rings)  
  
JERRY  
  
One second. Hello. Vivian, hi. (Becoming agitated) No, I wasn't home. What did you think, I just wasn't answering the phone. (Voice becomes audibly louder) Why wouldn't I want to talk to you? (Yelling now) Oh, so I'm a liar am I? Yeah, that's right, a CORNED BEEF SANDWICH! NO, I DON'T LIKE PICKLES. WHO DOESN'T LIKE PICKLES? I DON'T LIKE PICKLES. IS THAT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? HOT MUSTARD? WHAT ARE YOU AN IDIOT? NO. I DON'T WANT IT ON BREAD. WHY DON'T YOU JUST BRING IT OVER, AND WE'LL SLAM IT BETWEEN A COUPLE OF PLAYING CARDS? RYE. OK? NO, I DON'T LIKE APPLE PIE, I ONLY EAT FRUIT IN IT'S NATURAL, UNCOOKED, STATE. BYE.  
  
GEORGE  
  
What was that all about.   
  
JERRY  
  
(Absolutely calm now) She's picking up lunch.  
  
SCENE - DINNER WITH DAHLIA, ELAINE, AND ARCHIE  
  
JERRY  
  
So Archie, what do you do for a living?  
  
ARCHIE  
  
I'm a classic-car restorer. I go out and find these old wrecks, clean them up and sell them. It's really a lot of fun.   
  
JERRY  
  
You know I've got a friend who's looking for a new car. He's really into the old, vintage look. Maybe I'll give him your number.  
  
ARCHIE  
  
Yeah. Great, I'd love to speak to him.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Who do you know that's looking to buy a new car?  
  
JERRY  
  
Kramer.  
  
ELAINE  
  
No, you're not giving Kramer your number.  
  
ARCHIE  
  
Why?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Because! (Getting angry. It is now obvious that Elaine is starting to take on the personality traits of Vivian. She is quick to anger, and extremely confrontational) You are NOT giving him your number. That's FINAL!   
  
JERRY  
  
So I'll give him your number.  
  
ARCHIE  
  
Elaine tells me you're a comedian.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well, I try.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Dahlia, I've been meaning to ask you, what do you use on your hair? It's breathtaking.   
  
ARCHIE  
  
It really is quite stunning.  
  
DAHLIA  
  
Oh, thank you. Well, it's nothing, just a little conditioner.  
  
ARCHIE  
  
You know I used to know a girl who had hair just like that. Back home.  
  
JERRY  
  
Oh, where's that?  
  
ARCHIE  
  
Riverdale.  
  
JERRY  
  
Riverdale? Oh, like in the Bronx?  
  
ARCHIE  
  
Do you bake, Dahlia?  
  
DAHLIA  
  
I love to bake!  
  
ARCHIE  
  
(Inching closer to Dahlia, who is sitting directly across the table from him) Apple Pie?  
  
DAHLIA  
  
(Inching closer to Archie) All the way from scratch. (Scratches Archie on the nose, playfully. He giggles. Elaine yanks him back by grabbing his neck-tie and pulling)  
  
SCENE - THE PUZZLE GUY  
  
GEORGE  
  
(Knocks on the door). Hello. Mr. Parker?  
  
MR.PARKER  
  
It's open. Come in.  
  
GEORGE  
  
It's really dark in here.  
  
MR.PARKER  
  
Don't turn on the lights!  
  
GEORGE  
  
Alright.  
  
MR.PARKER  
  
I've been expecting you George.  
  
GEORGE  
  
What, like, ESP?  
  
MR.PARKER  
  
No, the girl from the puzzle office called.  
  
GEORGE  
  
So you know about the negative?  
  
MR.PARKER  
  
Sure. I've got it right here.  
  
(George moves over to Mr. Parker and takes the negative)  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well, thank you. Is there anything I can do? You know, I really appreciate this.  
  
MR.PARKER  
  
That's an interesting looking outfit you've got on there.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Sears.  
  
MR.PARKER  
  
You know, I'd put the left jacket pocket a little bit higher. It doesn't quite fit there. And that sock. Pull that down.   
  
GEORGE  
  
This one? (Moves closer to Parker)  
  
MR.PARKER  
  
(Grabbing George) Your collar. Much to loose. The belt, not tight enough. That head. It's backwards. It should be the other way around!  
  
GEORGE   
  
Mr. Parker!   
  
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT  
  
JERRY  
  
What are the sleeping bags for?  
  
KRAMER  
  
We're having a sleep over. Newman brought marshmallows.  
  
JERRY  
  
And the tent?  
  
KRAMER  
  
I thought it would be a nice touch.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well, Vivian's coming over tonight. I want all of this stuff out of here.  
  
KRAMER  
  
But you said...  
  
JERRY  
  
I know what I said. I want all of this stuff out.  
  
(Newman emerges from the washroom in pajamas, carrying a long stick with a marshmallow on the end.)  
  
JERRY  
  
OUT!  
  
KRAMER  
  
You know who you are? You're Reggie.  
  
JERRY  
  
I'm who?  
  
KRAMER  
  
You heard me. Reggie.  
  
(Kramer and Newman exit, George enters)  
  
GEORGE  
  
What is all this?  
  
JERRY  
  
Ox and Jughead.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Which one's which?  
  
JERRY  
  
I haven't decided yet. Did you get the picture?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Yeah. Hannibal Lecter over there almost rearranged me.   
  
JERRY  
  
What, the socks?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well you'll never believe this. Guess who has my car?  
  
JERRY  
  
I don't know. Who?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Guess!  
  
JERRY  
  
I'm not guessing.   
  
GEORGE  
  
You won't even give me one little guess? One little guess!  
  
JERRY  
  
How am I supposed to guess who has your car? Out of all the millions of people in New York City, how am I supposed to know the one person who has your car?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well you could at least play along.  
  
JERRY  
  
I'm not playing!  
  
GEORGE  
  
Alright. Then I'm not going to tell you.  
  
JERRY  
  
OK, I'll guess. Newman.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Newman. What kind of guess is that? You know Newman doesn't have it.  
  
JERRY  
  
Oh, so now you're criticizing my guesses. I thought you just wanted a guess?  
  
GEORGE  
  
A guess, yes. But a real one.  
  
JERRY  
  
OK. OK. Bob Cobb?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Who?  
  
JERRY  
  
The maestro. His real name is Bob Cobb.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Bob Cobb. Why would he have my car?  
  
JERRY  
  
Alright, get out.  
  
GEORGE  
  
What? What are you talking about?  
  
JERRY  
  
Get out.   
  
GEORGE  
  
Whoa. You've got a vein going there.   
  
JERRY  
  
I do?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Yeah. It's kind of scary.  
  
JERRY  
  
(Feeling for the vein.) You know ever since I started going out with Vivian, I've been snapping at everyone. It's all the arguing. It's in my system, I can't get it out.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well what about Dahlia?  
  
JERRY  
  
When I'm with her everything's fine.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Wait a second. You're going out with Vivian and seeing Dahlia on the side. The blond and the...This is just like the Archie comics. You ARE Reggie.  
  
JERRY  
  
But I don't want to be Reggie.  
  
GEORGE  
  
So it's Mike. You know your friend with the parking spot? He's got the car.  
  
JERRY  
  
You know I never liked him. So what are you gonna do?  
  
GEORGE  
  
I got his address from Kramer. I'm gonna go over and talk to him.  
  
JERRY  
  
Don't you think you should call the police?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Or better yet, why don't I just get my mother to call his mother, and we can shake and be friends again.   
  
JERRY  
  
Alright, do it your way.  
  
SCENE - THE HALLWAY OF SOME APARTMENT  
  
GEORGE  
  
(Knocks on door. It opens just slightly) Hello.  
  
MIKE  
  
You? What are you doing here?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Oh, I was just in the neighborhood, for a walk, and I thought I'd drop by. You know I love to walk. I walk all the time. You've got to stop (pauses) and smell the roses.  
  
MIKE  
  
(Goes to close the door, but George shoves his foot in the jamb)   
  
GEORGE  
  
What was I talking about? Oh, walking, that's right. You know I was never a really big fan, but I learned to love it. To take my time. Of course I had to after YOU STOLE MY CAR!  
  
MIKE  
  
What are you talking about? I didn't steal your car.  
  
GEORGE  
  
(Produces the puzzle box) Then how do you explain this!  
  
MIKE  
  
(Looks at the box) That could be anybody. That's not me.  
  
GEORGE  
  
You're right, that could be anybody. But what about this? (Produces blown up version that clearly shows Mike driving the car)  
  
MIKE  
  
What do you want?  
  
GEORGE  
  
I want my car back.  
  
MIKE  
  
I don't have it. I sold it for scrap, like, 3 years ago.   
  
GEORGE  
  
What? That was a great car. How could you sell it for scrap?  
  
MIKE  
  
Great car? It was a piece of junk. The oil leaked, the heater was broken, and it had like ten feet of rust on each side.  
  
GEORGE   
  
That wasn't rust. That was a streak!  
  
(Mike slams the door in George's face)  
  
GEORGE  
  
Oh boy! That car was the Shaggin' Wagon! It was a streak!  
  
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT  
  
(Newman is back. There is an elaborate mock-up of New York on the floor where Jerry's couch and coffee table used to be, comprised of puzzles, replicas, and miniature scale models)  
  
JERRY  
  
Hello Newman.  
  
NEWMAN  
  
Hello Jerry.  
  
JERRY  
  
What is this?  
  
NEWMAN  
  
New York City. Down to the smallest detail. It was a labour of love, I must admit. But the pleasure was all mine.  
  
(Kramer enters with a bucket of paint)  
  
KRAMER  
  
I've got the paint. Yeah, I borrowed it from Mrs. Grundy. Whoa, she doesn't like you buddy.   
  
JERRY  
  
What are you doing with that?  
  
KRAMER  
  
The Hudson, Jerry. We need a river. Interstate commerce. The whole economy would collapse.   
  
JERRY  
  
What did you do to my floor?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Don't worry, it'll come off...(mutters)with a belt sander.  
  
(Jerry wrestles the paint from Kramer)  
  
JERRY  
  
No more paint!   
  
KRAMER  
  
Well what are we going to do for a river?  
  
JERRY  
  
I'll tell you what I'd like to do.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Whoa!  
  
JERRY  
  
What?  
  
KRAMER  
  
You've got a vein there. It looks like you're gonna burst a capillary.  
  
JERRY  
  
Vivian! Hey, what are all these pictures for?  
  
NEWMAN  
  
We needed them to fill out the city. You know, atmosphere.  
  
JERRY  
  
(Bending over to look at the pictures) The Russian Tea Room, Central Park, very nice. What's this one?  
  
KRAMER  
  
That's the alley behind Famous Ray's. Yeah, Newman put that in there.  
  
NEWMAN  
  
Well if it were up to you all we'd have are puppy-dogs and moon pies. I was trying to capture the city's seamy underbelly. The city that never sleeps. Who know what evil lurks in the heart of this great...  
  
JERRY  
  
(Picking up his camera) Is that tomato sauce?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Well you've got to have a slice.  
  
JERRY  
  
(Picks up a puzzle) What is this?  
  
KRAMER  
  
The Guggenheim! It's one of my favorites.   
  
NEWMAN  
  
Yeah, I just picked that up yesterday. Luckily I have contacts in the puzzle industry.   
  
JERRY  
  
Do you still have the box?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Yeah, right here...(Kramer is stuck in the middle of the miniature city. He is struggling to exit without knocking over the models and destroying the puzzles.)  
  
NEWMAN  
  
Kramer, what are you doing?  
  
KRAMER  
  
I'm stuck.  
  
NEWMAN  
  
Kramer, just take it easy.  
  
KRAMER  
  
(Steps on the fresh paint of the "Hudson" and slips, falling, writhing, and ruining the whole setup. Only the Statue of Liberty is left standing, a la the ending of Planet of the Apes. Jerry looks around and sees the box on the counter right beside him.)   
  
JERRY  
  
Oh, never mind. Here it is. (The box is partially wrapped, with an address clearly visible on the label. There is a card in the box, Jerry takes it out and reads it) Happy Birthday Timmy from Uncle... Contacts in the puzzle industry. (Holds it up to his face to get a closer look.) Is that...Dahlia? And Archie?  
  
NEWMAN  
  
(On his knees, staring at the partially broken Statue of Liberty.)  
  
YOU MANIAC. YOU BLEW IT UP. DAMN YOU. GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL. (This is Charlton Heston's line from POTA. It is delivered satirically to tone down the words)  
  
SCENE - THE STREET  
  
(George, Elaine, and Jerry, are walking down the street. There is a car that looks just like George's "Shaggin' Wagon" parked in front of the fruit stand.)  
  
ELAINE  
  
So what happened with you and Vivian?  
  
JERRY  
  
We broke up. I couldn't take it anymore. Every date was like a steel cage match.  
  
ELAINE  
  
What about Dahlia?  
  
JERRY  
  
I tell you I prefer the smiling over the chair to the back of the head.   
  
ELAINE  
  
Well what about the puzzle?   
  
JERRY  
  
Oh, I looked at it again. It can't be them.   
  
ELAINE  
  
Well it better not be. Because if I find out it's him, he's gonna be SORRY he was ever born!  
  
JERRY  
  
Hey, did Archie tell you Kramer bought a car?  
  
ELAINE  
  
He gave him the number? I gonna KILL him!  
  
JERRY  
  
Whoa. (Looking at Elaine)  
  
ELAINE  
  
What? What are you looking at?  
  
JERRY  
  
You've got a vein there.   
  
GEORGE  
  
(Sees the Shaggin' Wagon and starts jumping up and down. Looks at the picture on the puzzle box, and then at the car.) Jerry, that's my car!   
  
JERRY  
  
Oh, my God, the Shaggin' Wagon.  
  
ELAINE  
  
It looks like someone's in there.  
  
JERRY  
  
It looks like a couple people are in there.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Jerry, will you back me up?  
  
JERRY  
  
I'm right here. (To Elaine) If anyone comes out of there, run like hell.  
  
GEORGE  
  
(Looks around for a weapon. Breaks off a tree branch, with the leaves still on it. Goes up to the car and opens the door) That's it, get out!  
  
(Archie emerges with Dahlia)  
  
ELAINE  
  
Archie?  
  
JERRY  
  
Betty?  
  
ARCHIE  
  
(To George) Mr. Weatherby.  
  
JERRY  
  
(To Elaine) Well, Veronica, it looks like it's you and me.  
  
(Kramer and Newman ride by in an old jalopy, like from the Archie comics, and honk the horn.)  
  
THE END 


End file.
